So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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