I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
