did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wear drunk well.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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