Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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