On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
