FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
