I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.