the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
