What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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