I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
