just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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