haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
