You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
