i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
