I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
