this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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