I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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