Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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