Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
