I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
