I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
