You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
