I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
