He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
