he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
