I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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