my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
