So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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