Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
