The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
