3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
