I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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