I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
