How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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