He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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