are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
