I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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