I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Come on in and take your pants off
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