YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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