I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
