woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
