What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
