I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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