I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
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Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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