i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
