apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
