I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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