I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
