You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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