you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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