Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
