there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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