i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You are a genius and a whore.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
