Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
