apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
