first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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