Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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