Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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