i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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